Alright. Here we go. I was talking to Blaze yesterday about the reason I'm depressed, so I want to share that here. It'll also help explain why I'm such an asshole to people, but can then turn around and be the nicest guy in the world. Note, I'm not hiding behind these reasons as a shield for my behavior. I know it's my fault for not doing something about it. I just feel like venting :l
So, about when I was 2, I developed a Wilm's tumor the size of an orange on my left kidney. My mother was devastated because the survival rate of this thing was like, 1 out of every 20 - 30 children because it usually spreads to the heart rather quickly. Especially at the size that mine was. So my mom is in the hospital for 14 days straight, and then I'm finally operated on. I'm not sure if my mom was drinking before this whole situation or not, but that was one of the first things I remembered: My mother being drunk off her ass. And she was a mean drunk. I remember one time where she looked me dead in the eyes, and said "Fuck you.". I'm not sure what age I was, probably 3 or 4, so I just remember her saying it. I didn't even know what it meant at the time, but just the tone of her voice told me it wasn't good. I saw my mom drunk more times than not, so it became evident in my mind that this was who my mother was. The kind of woman who gets mad at her kids for no reason, and that stuck.
My dad wasn't really around. He drove a truck over the road, and when he was home, he was either asleep or just about to leave to go back over the road. He also eventually became hooked on different drugs, but I won't go into detail. He has since then cleaned himself up, and I live with him now.
My brother... Oh, God, my brother... The surgery for the removing of my kidney left my stomach horribly scarred. Alright, not HORRIBLY, but it left me with a large scar across the length of my stomach, to which my brother made fun of me for. Imagine that. Your own brother, making fun of you for having cancer and having a scar that you couldn't get rid of. It hurts. A lot. So, this was around the time that I started to not trust anyone. And I was about 6 or 7 at the time.
A couple years later, my parents got a divorce and I went with my mom to go live with my grandmother. My mom still drank heavily, and still treated my brother and I like shit, but he more than I. And he turned around and took his anger out on me. Both verbally and physically. And when his friends were around, it was even worse. He even let them beat me up if they wanted. And they did. So, fuck me, right? My mother was a drunk, my brother a douche, and my grandmother didn't do anything about it. It left me a cold kid, not caring for anyone. At like, 10 years old, I could've cared less if any of them had died.
So, let's skip ahead a bit. 2007, 8th grade, first day. I was a pretty heavy kid, about 240 - 250 pounds, so, y'know. Confidence wasn't too high. And then I saw this girl. Cute little goth girl (that's what I'm in to. Fuck you, don't judge me >:l), and I wanted to tell her I liked her. But, then I remembered I wasn't the most attractive, so I didn't. It ate away inside me how much I liked her, but didn't tell her. We eventually became kinda friends (because my friend Jamil and her were friends), so we kinda talked. We had similar interests, hobbies, all that jazz. Skip ahead to March 14, 2008. Finally got enough courage to tell her, but it was like, 6 or 7 PM, so I couldn't tell her face-to-face. So, I told her over this website we were both apart of, GaiaOnline.com, and, well... Let's just say it didn't go over too well. We stopped talking all together, although I still tried to talk like nothing had happened, but I knew. I knew I fucked up. It also probably didn't help that I actually saw this girl recently. At the special hospital where I had my surgery that really only takes the worst cases of children. But, thankfully, she didn't recognize me when we made eye contact for a second. But, that's pretty weird. A couple years later, same day, same time of the 2 minutes I was waiting in the hallway of that certain wing, and she walks by.
That weekend, I was a wreck. I didn't want to get out of bed. Not even to play video games, which was the only thing that really brought me joy and entertainment. And that Tuesday...
March 18, 2008. My mom had passed out from drinking (yeah, she was still doing that), so I went out into the kitchen and grabbed a sharp knife out of the drawer. I retreated back to my room quietly, an shut the door. I had written my suicide note, and although I hated them, I told my family not to blame themselves. I stuck it to the outside of my door, and re-shut it. I raised the knife to my neck, left side, and planned to slice the length of it, almost ear-to-ear. But, I didn't. I suddenly realized that this was just stupid. Why should I kill myself because other people are assholes? Fuck everyone! Everyone can go rot in a hole for all I care! I put the knife back, ripped up the note, and went to bed. It was that day that I decided: Fuck people. Who needs 'em? I only need me.
Now, the depression was still there, but I began suppressing it. I was doing good at this point. I crammed the depression into a metaphorical box, and locked it. I was done with it. Fast forward to a couple months ago. Pansy, or as most of you know him, XSeiko, was going to make a stupid decision that would probably result in his own death. He was basically committing suicide. This got to me. I dunno what it was, but it really just got to me. Was it because I was about to lose a friend with the same stupid mistake I almost made? Probably. Anyway, the depression box was now cracked and leaking. The whole situation just... Ugh. I actually wanted to cry. I really did. But, I hadn't cried in literally years, not since I was like, 9 or 10, and it was almost like I had forgotten how to. My body just WOULDN'T let me. Yeah. You read that right. Big ol' douchebag Onbizzle wanted to cry over the loss of another human being.
Any-fuckin'-way! Yeah, that's pretty sad when you've become such a bitter person that you can't even express your sadness physically. But, back the to the depression box. I've since then tape the hole, and I'm trying to get the loose depression back inside, but it takes time (it gets under the couch and is hard to reach :l), but I'm trying. But, I realized that I CAN care about another person almost to the point of crying over losing them, so I'm not completely in the darkness. But, I'm still self-conscious about myself, and therefore, can't even ask out the girl I like in my Art class 'cause I'm too scared of being rejected again. In fact, I'm too scared to even try and TALK to her. I mean, just look at what happened the last time. Another big emotion attack might crack that depression box right open, and I'll be worse than ever. But, don't worry (not that you would :l), I'm not suicidal anymore, and have no intentions of ever committing suicide... Unless, y'know, I get trapped in a room with one bullet and a horde of zombies is outside :l
So, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Again, this isn't an excuse for me act like a total dickhead all the time, I know. But, if you've never been depressed, you can't just STOP. It takes time and lots of support to completely get rid of it. I'm trying, assholes :l
Also, my mom has since then cleaned up her act, and I now visit her on the weekends. She's doing a lot better, and apologized for the years of abuse. My dad did the same thing. My brother still blames me for why he treated me like he did :l
Edit: The girl that I have a crush on now knows that I like her, and has given me a chance. She wants to talk a bit and get to know me before she really decides if she wants to go out with me. As sad as it sounds, that's the closest I've gotten to having a girlfriend. Ever :l
Edit Again: Oh, man, it's been a while since I've been on here. So, update on this whole situation. I gave up trying to get with that girl, as she was disinterested, and went with somebody that's been affection towards me for a while now. He's on the Wiki, and, as I said, he's liked me for a while now, so I decided to give him a chance, and haven't regretted it. Not gonna say who, 'cause it's none of your damn business, although, I'm sure some of you can figure it out. Also, yes, I'm bisexual, just never told anyone 'cause, once again, it's none of your damn business :l